“…a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist… a turning towards the past or towards the future.”
The last leaves are falling from the trees, leaving them bare and naked, ready for winter, ready to die for a living. With the same movement – I imagine – drops of water are falling from my hands, while I’m moving them ritually as I have done nearly every day for almost two decades. I whisper the name of God, fill my right hand with water, and slowly bring it up to my mouth. These are the same movements I’ve been doing a whole lifetime, since I was a small child taught by my mother to cleanse myself, to get rid of my sins day in day out, to prepare for the meeting.. My nose, face, arms, head, ears and feet also pass the revenue, all in their own distinct way, but always once or thrice, a fixed odd number of times. My sins fall off my shoulders with every drop.. will they always be falling off so easily?
I’m waiting for the bus. The wind blows my veil towards all directions, I shiver. Then it’s quiet for a while, my clothes fall on me like a protecting angel, covering everything that no one has the right to see.
I feel my leaves falling slowly, I feel that I must die for a living, just like the trees, my sun can’t keep shining forever, I must complete my winter.
I condense a thousand words in three syllables..
My heart knows that which my eyes haven’t seen and my mind can’t comprehend..
Do you know this feeling of guilt?
More like hate
Lets just delve
Into my sea of feelings
So deep I can hardly breathe
Allah please free me.
I dont know why i did this
If only i could go back
And fight against myself
To get back on track..
My only comfort is the knowledge
That even though i didnt stay true to my pledge
It didnt happen by chance
No i will not pretend it
I am guilty but even more ashamed
Humiliated by myself and defamed.
Suffient are You to hear me pray
I promise to not go astray..
I wish you didnt have to witness me this way..
I wrote this a few weeks ago.. and these days I’m feeling extremely emotional but reading this again reminded me of reality..
They taught me that emotionality is a weakness,
So I joined the others in a life called distress.
“No tears no confessions no mistakes, You will feel no pain”,
but this painlessness is fake.
Just as real is the reality of our pain,
Pleasure is its companion and will remain.
So I thought to myself…
The question that makes or breaks…
Why are we saddened by pain and
Why do we enjoy pleasures and
Why do some get drowned and
Why do others flee from reality?
I thought to myself,
Submission to Allah means walking on the straight path and
This path is the balanced middle way,
For this we ask every time we pray..
So why do those who don’t fear emotionality still get drowned
And the fearful ones remain at their fake place?
Perhaps their desires overtook them,
And their fears blinded them.
An alternative I present to you, oh fearless and fearful people!
So you may taste real pleasure and fear real pain..
Read the words of the Owner of your heart:
Say: In the grace of Allah and in His mercy– in that they should rejoice; it is better than that which they gather. (10:58)
I can’t believe that it’s been 5 months since my last post! I have just been very busy studying and teaching and quite passive with other things, unfortunately. Right now I’m in an exam week as well but when I feel the need to write I just have to do it! These are special moments that I can’t take for granted 🙂
In these 5 months I got 20 years old, my sister got engaged, I took driving lessons and passed my test and I went to an Arabic winter school. I had the two best weeks of my life there alhamdulillah. It was a great feeling to know that I really made progress in my Arabic, especially speaking and writing. I also received a certificate for Madinah book 1 and 2 which I had been studying on my own before, this might turn out useful for my further education in Arabic in sha Allah. I hope I can do something like this again, it really made me taste the sweetness of imaan, studying Arabic and Islam every single day, surrounded with the loveliest sisters in the world and tasty Moroccan food 😀
Coming back to real life was quite depressing, especially the weather made me feel down. But I could enjoy the snow alhamdulillah, it’s so beautiful!