Thoughts. I have plenty of them. So much so that I sometimes think my head is going to blow up. Everywhere I look I see words, I hear them inside of me. People look at me and think I’m calm, composed and peaceful. Well that might be said about my posture maybe. But my brain is a roller coaster where my mind likes to stay, 24/7. I force myself to go to bed at night, and to wake up in the morning, and to take the train, and to do whatever, because the only thing that requires no effort, the only thing that’s intrinsic to me, is…….. thinking 🙂 or rather 😦
It’s amazing how smoothly the thoughts run through me, and how painful it is to express these feelings. Even while writing my fingers stutter over the keyboard. Speaking – I don’t even want to talk about it. Hearing other people’s mouths utter thoughtless words just drives me crazy, and then they expect me to say something nonsensical in return. I realize more and more every day that there are actually very few people on the surface of the earth who are keen to listen to thoughtful words. Who are truly interested in another’s thoughts and feelings. The sad thing is that people drowning in their thoughts can’t usually swim up to the surface and meet others like them. Only in their thoughts they have long and deep conversations, a mere monologue with different voices.
My mind is an interesting place. It has many colours and shades. But the more I stay in it the more I’m forced to find a safe place where I can dwell forever. It is as if my whole person is defined by this small place. I can’t think about that many things anymore, although the same thoughts keep repeating themselves tirelessly. I want all the facets of my being to flourish, I want to give to others and to receive. I am a thought-machine, but I don’t want that to be all that I am, because I know that I’m more. But who am I? Who am I?