Moreee thoughts

Bismillah,

This week was even worse in terms of the amount of thoughts in my head, but this time it actually changed the course of my mind. I remember thinking last week: if I survive next week I can survive almost everything.

On friday I had an exam of a subject called “brain in trouble” so I was all into the brain, but not the way I should’ve been studying for it. I thought it was a good idea to watch educational video’s on youtube but me and technology have never been good study mates.

The weekend was actually the real bomb that exploded in my head. On sunday I organized a fundraiser for Syria with my friend, where we sold secondhand clothes and food. We actually worked the whole day on saturday so I had no time to think at all and forgot who I was and my usual worries. Sunday was the summit of my stress levels 🙂 During the day it was actually not very stressful, it only got really bad when we had to clean up everything. I can’t remember how many traffic rules I broke, driving way too fast and filling the car so much that I could actually see nothing from the rear mirror and on my right side. Besides my problem with chaos I had also promised a friend to go to a movie with her in the evening. Thinking about the stupid things I did and said on that day makes me feel so ashamed but well hopefully I will manage my stress better next time. I was on time for the movie, which was about a Canadian doctor who went to Israel to work in a village in the West Bank. I couldn’t believe that after such a long and eventful day I would have to go through so many more adventures (in my mind) and think about so many things, and in the beginning I was almost going to give up and just close my eyes. But after a while I got totally lost in the movie and was really moved by it. At the end I felt like a zombie bursting with energy. I had to do something with what I had seen, and with what I know about the world. I have to stop wasting time and start making use of my life, and not let my breath be wasted. I feel a very strong urge to move to the Middle East and never look back, but I have to be productive wherever I may be. It’s just temporary..

Thoughts

Thoughts. I have plenty of them. So much so that I sometimes think my head is going to blow up. Everywhere I look I see words, I hear them inside of me. People look at me and think I’m calm, composed and peaceful. Well that might be said about my posture maybe. But my brain is a roller coaster where my mind likes to stay, 24/7. I force myself to go to bed at night, and to wake up in the morning, and to take the train, and to do whatever, because the only thing that requires no effort, the only thing that’s intrinsic to me, is…….. thinking 🙂 or rather 😦

It’s amazing how smoothly the thoughts run through me, and how painful it is to express these feelings. Even while writing my fingers stutter over the keyboard. Speaking – I don’t even want to talk about it. Hearing other people’s mouths utter thoughtless words just drives me crazy, and then they expect me to say something nonsensical in return. I realize more and more every day that there are actually very few people on the surface of the earth who are keen to listen to thoughtful words. Who are truly interested in another’s thoughts and feelings. The sad thing is that people drowning in their thoughts can’t usually swim up to the surface and meet others like them. Only in their thoughts they have long and deep conversations, a mere monologue with different voices. 

My mind is an interesting place. It has many colours and shades. But the more I stay in it the more I’m forced to find a safe place where I can dwell forever. It is as if my whole person is defined by this small place. I can’t think about that many things anymore, although the same thoughts keep repeating themselves tirelessly. I want all the facets of my being to flourish, I want to give to others and to receive. I am a thought-machine, but I don’t want that to be all that I am, because I know that I’m more. But who am I? Who am I?