29 June 2013
Today was the worst day so far.. it was so bad that it made me cry. Let me explain..
I didn’t leave the house until after ‘asr because I wanted to stay inside and listen to a lecture. After ‘asr we went to have a look in some of the nearby villages. The rest of the time was just wasted with eating and talking.
So I was feeling very guilty for wasting my time and wanted to make up for it after maghrib. But I wasn’t determined enough. My family asked me if I wanted to go to the trampolines on the beach and I said I didn’t but they convinced me. Once I was there all I thought was how am I going to justify this to Allah. Loud music being played, naked girls and people thinking that they are happy. I felt so miserable. And I felt weak. Then I remembered the hadith.. ittaqullaha haythu ma kunt wa atbi’i s-sayyiata hasanah tamhuha..
I then left the place but this feeling of unrest hasn’t left me. There’s a black spot on my heart causing it to feel pain and sorrow.
I have had enough of these sins and sinful people. I thought Holland had a bad effect on my iman now it seems like paradise and I miss my friends who would help me to come nearer to Allah. But I need to be patient and fight against my nafs and others. I came here with the intention to work on my iman and make the most of ramadhan.. but as my sister said this time I’m not strengthening my iman through reading books and listening to lectures but by struggling against the shaytaan.
It’s hard, I feel alone in my struggle as nobody is supporting me. But I have Allah and I will have to answer to Him alone and on the day of judgment nobody will have anyone to help them. And I have my best friend.. one I neglected, the Qur’an.
Surah Ibrahim, Verse 22:
“And the Shaitan shall say after the affair is decided: Surely Allah promised you the promise of truth, and I gave you promises, then failed to keep them to you, and I had no authority over you, except that I called you and you obeyed me, therefore do not blame me but blame yourselves: I cannot be your aider (now) nor can you be my aiders; surely I disbelieved in your associating me with Allah before; surely it is the unjust that shall have the painful punishment.”
29 June 2013